Today’s post doesn’t have anything directly to do with running. It has more to do with the stuff that makes us who we are, that makes us alive.
I am sitting here in the living room, now about 3 weeks removed from the bilateral pulmonary embolism that I had. I am looking at where I sat that day struggling to breathe, where I lay on the floor, waiting for help after I called for help. On that day, the door was locked. Normally, we left it unlocked while I was recovering for SPECIFICALLY this type of emergency. The distance to open the front door to let people in seemed so far away, like I could not get there that day. When looking now, it is less than 10 feet. I think it took me about 10 minutes to get there on 11/14.
Those minutes are a blur, like I was there and not there. I don’t know actually how long things took. As I look and think now, I can see it all happening. Very strange. I can watch what I did, the parts that I remember.
Whatever that was, it is all like a blurry, not quite real dream to me now. Quite frankly, I think who I am now stepped forth in that event. I don’t know exactly who that is yet, but I do know this. I have been given a gift, a blessing. A part of me perhaps died that day, but I think that is OK. I think a stronger, smarter and more joyous me has taken his place.
I walked about today. I felt the muscles of BOTH legs working. It is a little easier, less painful to walk today. There is a little more oomph from the left side, just a little but it is real and stronger now.
I felt the sun and warm air on my face. I had to work a little bit to walk on slight slopes that I buzzed over in 10+ mile runs with ease. I felt connected to a life that maybe I had some disconnects with. I chatted with a neighbor about his new driveway that we put in (I am on the board here). I have chatted with a few people here, but I do not feel compelled to talk about me. It isn’t just about me me me. We live in a world where me me me is the norm, and I too do that. But maybe I can be a little less me me me and maybe, maybe just maybe I can make the world a better place if only but a little.
This gift of my life is a great one. I am here for a reason, have work to do still. Good work, not just get a paycheck work.
Running will be a part of my life, this I know. My heart and mind leap with joy that that day is coming closer to me. The part that is truly different now is why I want to run. Not to impress or keep up with anyone, or blaze fast times (although I won’t lie that I enjoyed that).
I want to run again simply because I can.
Rolf Arands, Runner 